EPISODE 07.

The Beauty and Intelligence of Anger

Oxygen for Women Podcast

with Perry Janssen

Anger has been treated as something dangerous—something to avoid, fix, or suppress, especially for women. We were taught to be kind, accommodating, and to keep the peace, even when something inside said "this is not okay." But anger is not the enemy. It's one of the most intelligent emotions we have—communication, information, a signal that something matters, hurts, or needs attention.

In this episode, Perry explores why women were taught not to feel anger, what happens when it goes underground, and how listening to anger can become one of the most powerful acts of self-care and self-respect.

Key Topics Covered

Reframing Anger

• Anger is not the enemy—it's one of the most intelligent emotions we have
• It's communication, information, and a signal from your deepest self that something matters, hurts, or needs attention
• The real question isn't "How do we get rid of anger?" but "What is anger trying to tell us?"

Why We Fear Anger

• Most of us were only taught how to fear it, suppress it, or judge it
• Women in particular learned: Good girls don't get angry. Spiritual women don't get angry. Nice women don't get angry. Loving women don't get angry.
• So we stuff it, and it turns into stress, anxiety, depression, headaches, jaw pain, stomach issues, autoimmune problems, exhaustion, burnout, and self-blame

Anger Is Intelligence

• Anger is not a bad, toxic emotion or a failure of spirituality or maturity
• It's a signal saying: something matters here, something is wrong, something needs attention or protection
• Just like pain tells us something is physically wrong, anger tells us something is wrong emotionally, relationally, or psychologically

Why Anger Feels Scary

• We've seen anger in distorted forms: rage, abuse, violence, explosions, cruelty
• But that's not anger in its purest form—that's anger that was never listened to, never allowed to speak, stuffed, ignored, or shamed until it came out sideways
• Pure anger is actually very clean. It says: "That hurt me. That crossed a boundary. This is not okay. I need something different. I'm not safe here. I matter."

Why Women Were Taught Not to Be Angry

• Angry women were labeled: hysterical, dramatic, unladylike, difficult, too much, dangerous
• Early lessons: If I express anger, I will be rejected, punished, lose love, or be abandoned
• Instead of "I'm angry," we learned to say: "I'm fine. It's okay. It doesn't matter. I'll handle it. I shouldn't feel this way. What's wrong with me?"

When Anger Goes Underground

Unexpressed anger doesn't disappear—it goes underground in the body and turns into:

• Chronic stress, muscle tension, headaches, digestive issues
• Autoimmune illnesses
• Anxiety, depression, self-criticism
• Emotional numbness
• People-pleasing, resentment, burnout

When anger is not allowed outward expression, it turns inward (or outward in a reactionary form). Women don't become angry—they become sick, exhausted, overwhelmed, and disconnected from themselves.

Why We Deny Our Anger

• Punished for it as children
• Emotionally abandoned when we expressed it
• Learned it was unsafe to tell the truth
• Taught to prioritize harmony over honesty
• Fear of conflict, rejection, losing relationships, being seen as bad, being alone

What Anger Is Really Trying to Say

Anger is not trying to destroy relationships—it's trying to save the self and relationships. Anger often carries messages like:

• I need care
• I need respect
• I need protection
• I need to leave
• I need to speak
• I need to stop overgiving

Anger is not trying to make you mean. It's trying to make you honest.

What Happens When Anger Isn't Listened To

Anger has only two places to go:

1. It turns inward: Becomes stress, shame, self-attack, anxiety, illness
2. It comes out sideways: Through reactivity, sarcasm, withdrawal, explosions, or resentment

Neither is healthy anger. Healthy anger is conscious, felt, listened to, understood, and expressed with boundaries, clarity, and centeredness.

Anger becomes toxic only when it's ignored.

Anger as Intelligence and Communication

All feelings are communication. Anger asks crucial questions:

• Why am I being harmed?
• Why am I being disrespected?
• Why am I abandoning myself?
• Why am I saying yes when I mean no?
• Where am I unsafe?
• Where do I need change?

Anger has helped:

• People leave abusive relationships
• Women fight for rights
• Communities create social justice
• Individuals reclaim their voice
• Humans survive dangerous situations
• Anger has changed history—not rage, not violence, but conscious anger that said "this is not acceptable"

Changing Our Relationship with Anger

Anger is not good/bad, right/wrong, spiritual/unspiritual, positive/negative. Anger is intelligence trying to speak.

Instead of asking: "How do I get rid of my anger?"

Ask:

• What is my anger trying to communicate to me?
• What does it need?
• What do I need?
• What is it trying to protect?
• What truth is it trying to tell me?

When anger is welcomed with curiosity, it softens. When anger is listened to, it becomes wisdom. When anger is honored, it becomes boundary. When anger is integrated, it becomes power.

Guided Practice

Pause and ask yourself:

• Is there any anger in me that I've been pushing away? (In today's culture, there is a lot of justified anger)
• Is there something I've been tolerating for too long that hurts?
• Is there something in my life that doesn't feel right to me?

You don't have to act on it today. You don't have to confront people. You just have to listen to yourself.

There are many ways to deal with anger—we just haven't been taught. Anger doesn't need to be unleashed all over the place, but it does need to be understood, heard, and listened to because it's trying to communicate how it can be resolved.

Core Message

Women were never meant to live without anger. We were meant to live with all of our feelings.

Anger is not your enemy. It's a messenger. It's a protector. It's your truth teller.

• When we deny anger, we deny a part of ourselves
• hen we listen to anger, we return to ourselves
• This is reclaiming your life, your body, and your voice

In a world that teaches women to stay quiet, stay small, stay pleasant and fine—listening to your anger is an act of self-respect, healing, and courage.

Powerful Quotes

"Anger is not the enemy. Anger is one of the most intelligent emotions we have."

"Pure anger is actually very clean. It says: 'That hurt me. That crossed a boundary. This is not okay. I matter.'"

"Anger is one of the body's early warning systems. Just like pain tells us something is physically wrong, anger tells us something is wrong emotionally, relationally, or psychologically."

"Women don't become angry—they become sick, exhausted, overwhelmed, disconnected from themselves."

"Anger is not trying to destroy relationships. It's trying to save the self and relationships."

"Anger is not trying to make you mean. It's trying to make you honest."

"Healthy anger is conscious, felt, listened to, understood, and expressed with boundaries, clarity, and centeredness."

"Anger becomes toxic only when it's ignored."

"Anger has changed history—not rage, not violence, but conscious anger that said 'this is not acceptable.'"

"When anger is welcomed with curiosity, it softens. When anger is listened to, it becomes wisdom. When anger is honored, it becomes boundary. When anger is integrated, it becomes power."

"Anger is not your enemy. It's a messenger. It's a protector. It's your truth teller."

"In a world that teaches women to stay quiet, stay small, and stay pleasant and fine, listening to your anger is an act of self-respect, healing, and courage."

"Every feeling is a communication. And anger is one of the most important messages your inner life is trying to send you."

Closing Invitation

If this conversation touched something inside you today, let it be an invitation not to judge yourself, but to care for yourself more honestly.

Subscribe to help get this message out to more women. Thank you for doing the brave work of reclaiming your emotional life.

Oxygen for Women: Your weekly breath of renewal, where psychology meets spirituality and healing meets real life.