EPISODE 04.

Thursday Q&A: I Love My Partner, So Why Do I Feel Invisible in My Own Life?

Oxygen for Women Podcast

with Perry Janssen

This episode tackles a question many women carry quietly and privately, often with shame: "I love my partner and my family, but I feel invisible. I'm on autopilot in my own life. I'm forgetting myself. Why do I feel resentful and empty when I have so much to be grateful for?"

Perry explores the invisible pattern of self-abandonment that capable, caring women fall into and offers a pathway back to yourself without blame, confrontation, or leaving. If you've ever felt like you're living around your life instead of inside it, this conversation is for you.

The Question

"I love my partner and my family, but I feel invisible, on autopilot in my own life. I feel like I'm forgetting myself. I'm always adapting, holding things together, being the steady one for the family and for my partner. Why do I feel resentful and empty, and sometimes really aggravated and angry, when I have so much to be grateful for?"

Key Themes Explored

You Are Not Broken

• There is nothing wrong with you. You're not ungrateful, selfish, mean, or broken
• This pattern is something Perry sees constantly in women, especially capable, caring, emotionally intelligent women
• Women who are good partners, good mothers, good leaders, and good friends all experience this
• They're so good that somewhere along the way, they learned to disappear from the equation

The Pattern: Losing Contact with Yourself

• This isn't about not loving your partner or family; it's about losing contact with yourself
• Resentment isn't a character flaw; it's a signal trying to communicate something to you
• Perry views emotions not as positive/negative or right/wrong, but as communication signals giving you warnings or awareness

How the Pattern Forms

• Women are taught (explicitly and implicitly) to become relationship experts: sense the mood, smooth the edges, anticipate needs, adapt
• Over time, this creates a subtle but powerful pattern: "I'm going to stay connected to you by disconnecting from myself"
• You may still be choosing the relationship, but you stop choosing yourself within it
• Not because your partner demanded it, but because your nervous system learned that being flexible, accommodating, and self-abandoning was the safest way to belong and stay safe in the relationship

The Self-Sacrifice Trap

• Many women are taught that having needs and wants is selfish
• They're taught to sacrifice themselves for the family
• But when you sacrifice yourself for the family, there is no self in the relationship
• You become the steady one, the understanding one, the one who doesn't rock the boat
• Slowly, quietly, you start living around your life instead of inside of it, inside yourself and your body

What it Sounds Like when Women Say Things like:

• "I don't know what I need anymore"
• "I don't even know what I want anymore"
• "I don't know what I like anymore"
• "I feel flat"
• "I feel like a low-grade depression"
• "I feel invisible"
• "I just want to watch The Real Housewives to numb out"
• "I don't even know why I'm resentful"

Understanding Resentment

• Resentment isn't anger gone wrong
• Resentment is grief for the parts of you that didn't get the space to exist
• It's the body saying: "I've been adapting for too long without being acknowledged, seen, heard, tuned into."

Your Partner Probably Doesn't Know

• Perry does a lot of couples work and often sees a shocked look from partners: "What? What are you talking about?"
• From the outside, everything looks fine
• Fine = "I'm experiencing something else, but I don't know how to really say it" (therapist acronym: the inability to tell the truth)
• Inside, something essential is missing: mutuality, self-expression, choice

The Paradox

• You can love someone so deeply and still be abandoning yourself
• Those two things coexist
• When they do, the body eventually starts speaking in a variety of ways

The Reframe

This Moment Is a Wake-Up Call

• This moment isn't a sign that something's wrong
• It's a sign that something in you is trying to communicate, trying to attune to you, trying to wake you up
• The question "Why do I feel empty?" is often the beginning of a woman returning to herself. She's starting to listen to the signals.

You Don't Have to Leave

• This doesn't happen by leaving, blaming, or demanding
• It happens by remembering yourself
• You matter in the relationship too; otherwise, it's not really a relationship. It's catering to everyone else while being "a ghost walking around doing everything."

Guided Practice: Reconnecting to Yourself

Perry leads a body-based practice for reconnection:

1. Breathe and sense your body: Take a gentle breath in, really sensing the breath in your body (many people are stuck in their heads). Do a slow exhale, feeling your body let go like dead weight, releasing stress and tension.
2. Ground yourself: Place your hands on your legs. Feel grounded in your legs, feet touching the floor, energy going all the way through your legs into your feet. Really get the lower half of your body present.
3. Breathe into your chest and body
4. Ask yourself reflective questions:
   • Where am I adapting or editing who I authentically am?
   • How am I editing what I really want to say?
   • How am I editing my feelings and calling myself "fine"?
   • Where am I longing to be authentically me and I'm editing myself?
5. Let your body respond: Try not to answer just with your head—let your body respond and feel into this. You might feel tightening or heaviness in the chest or some feeling coming up.
6. Ask: What part of me really wants to come back into this relationship? Not to demand, not to be reactive, not to disrupt, but really to be included—where it's two people (or multiple people in a family), and the substance of you, the true self of you, is there too so people can actually feel you.

This is how reconnection starts: Not with confrontation, defensiveness, and blame, but with beginning to feel the presence of yourself.

Perry's Personal Practice

Presence is the most important thing and a priority in Perry's life, so she can actually be in a relationship. Not just with other people, but with herself. And understand what she really needs, enjoys, and loves, experiencing it because she's in her own body.

Powerful Quotes

"There is nothing wrong with you. It doesn't mean you're ungrateful, or selfish, or mean, or broken."

"I'm going to stay connected to you by disconnecting from myself."

"Your nervous system learned that being flexible, accommodating, self-referencing, and self-abandoning yourself was the safest way to belong and stay safe in the relationship."

"If you sacrifice yourself for the family, it becomes a problem because there is no self in the relationship."

"You start living around your life instead of inside of it—really inside yourself and inside your body."

"Resentment isn't anger gone wrong. Resentment is grief for the parts of you that didn't get the space to exist."

"Fine is the inability to tell the truth."

"You can love someone so deeply and still be abandoning yourself. Those two things coexist."

"This moment isn't a sign that something's wrong. It's a sign that something in you is trying to communicate to you, trying to wake you up."

"The question 'Why do I feel empty?' is often the beginning of a woman returning to herself."

"You don't have to disappear to be loved. You don't have to over-function to belong, and you don't have to be invisible to keep the peace. In fact, that can ultimately create a war because there's too much stuff getting stuffed."

"Your longing is not a problem. It's a compass. It's trying to communicate to you: this is your life, this is your one precious, amazing life."

"Coming back to yourself is not selfish. It's sacred. It's really sacred."

Submit Your Questions

Email: [email protected]

Website: perryjansen.com

Perry responds to one question every Thursday. Your question could help another woman who's experiencing the same thing.

Call to Action

If this question spoke to you, remember: You don't have to disappear to be loved. Your longing is a compass pointing you toward your one precious life. Subscribe, leave a review, and send in your questions.

 Oxygen for Women: Where we pause, exhale the pressure, and remember who we are beneath all the noise and expectations.