EPISODE 02.

Thursday Q&A:
How Do I Ask for What I Need Without Triggering Defensiveness?

Oxygen for Women Podcast

with Perry Janssen

In this first Thursday Q&A episode, Perry tackles one of the most common questions she hears in her therapy practice: "How do I ask for what I need from my partner without triggering defensiveness or feeling like my needs are too much?"

This episode explores the nervous system dynamics behind communication breakdown, offers practical body-based tools for regulation, and provides a clear framework for expressing needs in ways that invite connection instead of conflict.

Key Topics Covered

Why This Pattern Happens

• Childhood conditioning: learning as little girls that our needs might inconvenience someone
• Learning to soften, minimize, and "be easy to love"
• Understanding that a partner's defensiveness is rarely about your need—it's about their fear of inadequacy, failure, criticism, or shame
• The relational pattern that keeps couples stuck in defensive loops

The Body's Role in Communication

• Before words leave your mouth, your nervous system is already speaking
• The micro-stress response: shoulders tighten, breath shortens, voice changes, heart rate rises
• How your partner's nervous system picks up on tension and responds with its own defense
• Why two braced bodies can't hear each other clearly
• The solution isn't just new words—it's shifting your body state first

Practical Regulation Practice 

Perry provides a step-by-step somatic practice:

1. Place one hand on your chest, one on your lower ribs
2. Take slow, deep breaths—exhale longer than usual
3. Tell your nervous system internally: "I'm safe. This is not a threat."
4. Ask yourself: "What is the simplest version of what I'm needing?"—not the whole story, not 10 years of history, just the one need

Communication Framework

Start with Connection, Not Correction:

• Instead of: "You don't listen" or "You never do this"
• Try: "I love feeling close to you. There's something I need that would help me feel more connected."

State the Need Clearly and Simply (Without Apology):

• "What I need is more shared planning around the house."
• "What I need is 5 minutes of presence before we talk logistics."
• "What I need is reassurance when we're in conflict."
• Not a justification, not a dissertation—just the truth.

Invite Collaboration:

• "Would you be willing to try this with me?"
• Partners respond better when invited into teamwork rather than being told they're doing something wrong

The Three-Part Readiness Check 

Before bringing up a potentially tense topic, ask yourself:

1. Can I breathe? Can I breathe easily and deeply?
2. Can I listen? Can I really listen without formulating responses in my head?
3. Can I go for understanding? As opposed to being right—if you're going for "right," it's going to be a problem.

If you can't do these three things, it's probably not the right time to talk. Ask for a pause.

Notable Quotes

"A partner's defensiveness is rarely about your need. It's usually about some fear or trigger coming up for them—fear of inadequacy, fear of failing you, fear of being criticized."

"Two braced bodies can't hear each other clearly."

"Your needs are not too much. Your needs are information. Your needs are connection. Your needs are part of love."

"If someone gets defensive, it doesn't mean your need is invalid. It means their body is protecting them from something they don't yet know how to handle."

"Our brains are built to be looking for danger. We're still looking for dinosaurs to some degree."

Key Takeaway

When you express your needs from a grounded body, the energy changes. Defensiveness can lower, and the emotional connection you're wanting becomes possible.

Submit Your Questions

Email: [email protected]
Website: perryjansen.com

Perry selects one question every Thursday to answer on the podcast. Chances are, what you're feeling, another woman is feeling too.

Next Steps

Subscribe to Oxygen for Women and submit your questions. You're not alone—and your needs matter.